For the past few days I have truly been in a pretty shitty mood and I haven’t quite been able to shake it off. Everything feels like a complete freaken fail! I know I know shit like this happens and everyone goes through these situations all the time, but this time it just feels different. In all reality it’s the stress of not being able to find a job and knowing that the day looms closer for when I have to pay back my student loan.
But, it’s not just that that had me in this mood. The other day I filled out an application (or two I should say) for a job(s) at my old place of employment. When I went to turn them in I ran into an old coworker of mine and she decided to show me around the new building that was put up after I left. While there she decided to look at my application and she pretty much tore me a new one.
My application was without a doubt dreadful. For some reason when I had gone over it the day before I only skimmed it and didn’t quite focus on the fact that I had many typos. There were a lot of those She totally called me out on it and I felt like a complete ass because I was ready to turn in that piece of rubbish. The fact that this old coworker had become irritated with the fact that I had let this slip by me really made me question my abilities. Not only that though, I also felt like a fraud! For some reason or another people always think I’m smarter than I truly am. I for one have never thought I was particularly smart. Sure, I’m not a complete dumbass and can form complete sentences from time to time, but to think that I’m some above average person is completely beyond me. The fact that some people think I’m smart really puts that much more pressure on me, especially if there is a bigger chance of failure. I finally proved to someone that I didn’t fit into their perception of me and I guess I was disappointed with that fact.
I could go into more detail, but in all reality it’s just me being a dumbass.
Seriously, I just don’t know anything anymore! Since that day I have questioned everything that is going on in my life, where my life is going, and what the hell I’m going to do now. If you’re like me when you get into this type of mood then you probably recall every single stupid, wrong, embarrassing thing you did in your life. And then of course that brings you down more… of course, OF COURSE!
Ugh, life is beating me down, man!
I hope you are all faring better.
Had to throw in something semi-humorous. It's an emo chick. :P
Had to throw in something semi-humorous. It's an emo chick. :P
6 comments:
I can understand the shitty mood. To be quite honest, I'm been like that myself. I did notice you hadn't posted a blog in a while but I figured you were in those moods b/c ever since you sent the tweet on your life being a failure, you've been sort of absent.
No big deal, we all go through those stages but I just hope you can come out of it & get your life back on track. Depression isn't cool and if you don't shake it off, you could end up in a seriously depressed state.
Here's something for you to think about though, THERE ARE PEOPLE FAR WORSE THAN YOU! I know the loan is stressing you out but at least you had the opportunity to go to school. Other people don't & never will. You have a roof over your head, you have food on the table, clothes & a car.
Sure there are people who will be complete a-holes to you and sure you haven't been able to find a job. You're not alone right now & at least you weren't one of the poor people who HAD A JOB & then LOST IT due to the economy. Those people had bills that they paid with their "secure" income from work.
Can you imagine how frustrated and stressed they are??!!
So, shake it off, get up, & try again! You ARE NOT A FAILURE, you never have been & you never will be. Are you seriously giving up because of one lousy situation?!! Come on!! You're a fighter & you know it. So get your HAPPY ass up & get on with it!!! ;)
TOUGH LOVE, MAN!! TOUGH LOVE!!
CriminologyNerd let me say this........WE ARE ONLY HUMAN! We make mistakes, typos, forget stuff, doubt ourselves, thats all part of living this thing we call life. This is how we learn stuff. Don't worry about what this other coworker said or thought....you go back redo it and prove to YOURSELF (because everyone else knows you can do it!!) that you can do it.
Once again you are not a failure! You are anything but that, always remember that. You have accomplished a lot, we all have. You owe it to yourself to be to be gentle on yourself.
DOUBT....remember that movie? Well anywho, I think I am in that same boat with you. I firmly believe that I am going to be one crappy counselor....I have not found my niche and it's driving me insane CrimNerd. I am doubting everything I have been doing up until now, but you guys know that since I ranted about it a couple of months ago on the blog. Nothing has changed I still feel VERY much the same...I just kind of adapted. You know what I think its all part of the process of "growing up," its just a matter of becoming adjusted to the situation at hand....which is new, scary, crazy and is making us doubt ourselves.
YOU my dear friend are very capable of doing anything you want to do. So you had some typos on your application...SO WHAT? Typos shmypos! That's why theres a computer so you can redo it in a jiffy. I don't know if I already said this but don't worry about what someone else thinks of you....that will never ever allow you to be happy. Main reason, other people will never agree 100% with what you do, how you act, how you speak, and the list goes on and on. If we try to please other people where does that leave us? Think about yourself, be kind to yourself and know that you are a worthwhile human being and that we all love you very much and believe in you!
Enough with this Emo stuff CrimNerd! I agree with LifesABee you are a fighter...so go fight, even though it maybe against yourself but you go do it!
One more note: There are many forms of Smart. To me, and many others you are very smart...and YES you are. We are all smart in our own ways...sure perhaps not genius level but we are smart...which is what has gotten us though life up until now.
You go get'em! I and everyone else knows you can do it, now you just need to believe it. "Don't stop believing....." Do not make me break out in song :)
lol Don't stop believing is a good song Steph & I personally would love to hear you sing it. Perhaps I'll join in & sing it with you. lol
I too would like to hear you sing it Steph! :P Karaoke time!
I would love to hear you sing the song too, Steph. The way I have been feeling is I think of you guys and you all have/are doing far better then me, that I can't do shit right, no matter how hard I try I can never get it right, everything has to be perfect and I put that bar way too high. After relfecting on what I have accomplished I see have done a lot. Trying to find a job right now is a bitch, and I love the medical assistant class I am taking hopefully when I start the intership I can turn it into a job. Overall, it is like I have to start in square one all over again and thats the hard part.
Party of 3, I hear ya but sometimes starting back at square one can be a great thing! ;)
Think about it...you're getting a second chance to start with a clean slate & get things right this time.
I wish all things were that easy but some things you can't ever change, no matter how much you try. For example, you can't go back in time to change things so the best you can do is start in the NOW & move forward. What's done is done...let it go!
Don't forget that nobody is judging you or making a list of all the things you haven't done but you.
Instead of focusing on all the crappy, negative things, focus on the good things in your life. Once you do that, you'll realize that the negative things don't matter. :)
Here's my positives list:
*Great friends who like me how I am
*A close family I can hang out with
*A hubby, baby & home to make me smile
*A JOB (*biggie right now*)
*An education
*Outlet for negative feelings (my blog)
*Food
When it comes down to it, what more do I want??
Sure I argue, get depressed, feel stressed, etc. but it's just everyday motions that we all go through at some point in our lives. If we didn't, we wouldn't be alive.
Besides, nobody said life would be easy they simply said life was a journey.
Until you fully understand that & accept that, you'll be letting the little things drag you down & since when do you let other people/little things put you down?
I know I don't!! So here's a new song for you to sing, "Hero" by Mariah Carey
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